Maybe I should just...

Give up.

It takes so much energy and mental fortitude just to keep the focus, trying things, considering possibilities and outcomes, anticipating responses, unpredictable outcomes and just plain headaches. Where should I draw the line? Perhaps, I shouldn't have even started. Can't help thinking I've just been ****ing wasting my time on the matter. My time is way more valuable than what it is being taken for.

The only problem is I wouldn't know where to focus all that saved energy if I were to stop. I'm going to have to make November an awesome month about ME. I earned the right to be a *little* selfish, haven't I?

On another note, work has been great, as always. I can only hope life outside of work ever gets as rewarding. Yes, life's a bitch. I understand that in the context of the issues plaguing our world, my rant is inconsequential and nothing more than exactly what it is; a rant. However, I won't delude myself into thinking I can do much to change the world alone, but I wouldn't deny I acknowledge there are things I can contribute. I just have the right to worry about my self... and I choose this short moment to say: For now, to hell with the rest of the world.

P/S: I'm going to look back at this post someday and laugh about it or even curse my immaturity, but it is my choice to make and I will be better learned when that time comes.

Hypocrisy

For someone who spends a major bulk of his professional hours developing people and instilling a sense of optimism and constructive reflection, I sure do seem to have trouble applying it upon myself personally.

I wonder why I have this distinct and pronounced duality. Where it involved my professional life, I feel more vibrant and daring... doing and saying what it takes to get the job done and the right people empowered to get it done. I rarely doubt my capabilities, and my instinct have always proven to be reliable and accurate. I can talk to anyone and everyone, and I can keep things in control should things seem to head awry.

But then there's the personal side of things, and it's a whole different ball game. I used to apply methods from my professional personality to how I dealt with things in my personal life... it hasn't always proven a wise thing, but that was more a mistake in when I applied them (or shouldn't have) more than anything else. I have insecurities in areas most people wouldn't think I do... and I feel the burden of a shadow that may be blown out of proportion purely from these insecurities.

Strangely... I can't quite say how much of both personalities have changed and been affected by the other in recent years. I can't even say which is representative of the true me.

Does that make me normal?

One step forward...

And so I did...

Contemplating an action, and executing it are two very different things. Contemplation leads to nothing but worries and endless pondering of the what-ifs and the could-haves. Action... can lead to anything; anticipated or otherwise.

One thing I learnt is that there are a lot more perspectives to an action than we bother considering in the first place. I made an important decision recently, and though the outcome itself has not yet manifested, the impact of the action has not gone unnoticed.

The burden of contemplation is indeed heavy if left unchecked, and I now feel tremendously lighter. The decision I took may not be smartest choice... but a valid choice nonetheless. It may not have been done the best way I could... but I did it the only way I knew how. It may not be a right action to take... but if it were a mistake, it was mine to make.

However, with every action we take, we should expect consequences. I don't know what mine will be. All I can do is take the days ahead one moment at a time. What I do know is this...

... I would do it all over again, if I had to, but I wouldn't do it any other way either. I just feel good to know that I have one less regret.

It is a choice...

Every one of us has gone through our fair share of ups and downs, some more so than others. Most people recover and move on when life beats them down, others don't do so well. I fall amongst those who recovered, but I admit to being occasionally hounded by regrets of the past and the occasional fear from the over-rationalizing 'could be' part of me.

The danger of having that side to our character lies in its ability to make us stagnant, not recovering but not regressing either. Some might even fall into a depression with the right (wrong?) circumstances and triggers, but (thankfully) that is not me :) Which brings me back to the original point of stagnation.

Stagnation calls upon a feeling of not moving forward, not gaining something, not living life to its fullest. There are so many things to do, places to see, people to meet, ideas to develop and curiosities to explore. Why do we so easily tend to succumb to the fears of what-could-be and find difficulty in just doing things and see what actually happens?

Realizing that... what should I do next to break the vicious cycle? I will soon find out :)

What drives me forward?

It is not very often that I consciously decide to write or talk about work. It is not a decision rooted in disdain or contempt of the company I work for, and fearing the repercussions if the revelation were to be discovered. Au contraire, if I were to really talk about work, it would be anything but negative. Perhaps that is why I feel compelled to at least take the opportunity to make a brief mention of it somehow.

Reflections on Remorse

I was having dinner with a close friend just the other night, and the topics of discussion were thought provoking and interesting; as it always has been. Amidst all that chatter, somehow the discussion was led towards what shaped me as the individual I am today.

The content of that discussion is not up for sharing, but I will say this; it has triggered a momentary need to rekindle, reflect and acknowledge the events in my life and the values they have instilled in me... both good and bad.

The simplest, most profound point I feel compelled to remind myself and everyone I know is this: when it comes to people you love, there is no better day to forgive than today, for yesterday has already gone by and tomorrow may never come. The worst kinds of mistake we can make are the kind we cannot fix or change...

Life is like the weather...

...it's getting ridiculously unpredictable.

Relative to the true issues striking humanity in the needier parts of the world, then my life is indeed a marvel of joy and happiness. I am not ignorant, but I can't help evaluating the state of matters against the possibilities available in my immediate environment. I *am* happy, but it can get exhausting at times... mentally at least.

Worse still, it is the kind of exhaustion that sleep doesn't get rid of.

I need an escape experience... camping? Backpacking? Road trip? I'll keep a lookout...