Chaos theory

Just a few more days towards the end of April, and I cannot wait for it to pass me by. This has been a month of chaos, a soupy mess of events both good and bad and everything in-between... I sure am looking forward to the chaos settling down so that I may reflect upon them with a clearer mind and, especially, get a breather. A much needed breather, too.

Work has been real hectic, to the point I wished I could clone two copies of myself 'cause that's what it felt like I needed. It is the typical peak period within a product lifecycle, and adding to it a sprinkle of wrinkles (hehe, rhymed~) makes for days that make me find more paperwork at the end of the day than when I started. Pile on a slew of other tangent tasks running in parallel and it starts to feel like I'm in washing machine in rinse mode. I do believe it is time for me to put my time management under the microscope as it feels I have strayed/breached some of my rules that have kept me effective all these years.

On the personal front, it has thankfully been a wild and fulfilling month. Have gone on a hike almost every weekend and that really helped me keep my mental focus in check. I know it will sound ridiculous, but hiking or most outdoor activities do help me relax. I don't know if it is because of the green, or the deep sleep that comes after, or just the anticipation and joy of playing in the water... assuming there was a waterfall/river spot for a given hike. Either way, each hike has been a fun-filled experience that I wouldn't trade for anything else, and I do look forward for more in the months ahead.

Now, the hikes being fun and all, they did not come without their share of problems. The last hike we had involved a short road trip North. Probably from something we ate that day, it led to the lot of us getting well acquainted with the lavatory for the next few days. I think I lost almost 3 kgs in 2 days... mostly from dehydration. To this day, appetite has not quite returned to its normal levels, but at least the body has been recovering well. Still kind of worried for a friend who has not quite recovered as much as the rest of us... but I suppose it only needs time.

On a separate note, I had to cancel a dive trip to the east coast due to work commitments. Really sucks to have to make that call, but it has always been an occupational hazard where my job role is concerned. I just never had to call off a trip this big (relative to its cost) and I am more disappointed of the investment lost rather than the opportunity. I can always plan the trip again, but the non-refundable amount also means that its not a simple task of channeling the funds for another activity.  I need to budget again for a future trip, and I sure could use a good relaxing trip after the heavyweight experience April is proving to be. Another positive side to it; it was a good call. I sure needed the time to be in office to monitor things in the most crucial of moments and the trip would have been for naught if I were to return to be greeted by an amalgamation of outstanding tasks that will pile-up on an already ridiculous pile.

To compensate though... there were some really nice casual activities. I did my first, mini-round of shopping to restore the state of my wardrobe. I now officially have a regular for playing pool/darts/etc. There are always fun wagers associated to each game, and the sessions have been amazingly fun. Haven't been playing the games regularly enough in recent years, so playing them now is both a realization of that (embarrassing?) fact and an exercise in improving (albeit, with the occasional hilarious outcome). I foresee this as a potentially recurring activity... and do hope it heads that way. I see potential for it to trigger interest in exploring new activities, and that is something I always welcome =)

Hrm... all-in-all, April doesn't sound all too bad now that I sprawled all that on this post. I still look forward to it ending, but I wouldn't trade the chaos that it was for anything else. I was fatigued, exhilarated, happy, occasionally confused, etc. but it was a good month to reflect upon.

Reboot

The months of recent memory have been vastly different experiences than I am typically accustomed to. This is not a comment based on things that happen around me, but more about how I've been reevaluating things about me...

I don't know what sparked the change, but the past 6-8 months have indeed marked a change in how I reflect upon my surrounding, upon the lifestyle I wanted to live and even the kinds of choices I am making on the personal front. Thankfully, they've all been relatively positive though I'm not sure if it is a phase, or its a natural evolution of my personality.

For starters, I have been slowly and gradually cleaning up my expenses. Trimming the unnecessary and investing (not the literal investment, sorry.. at least not much) in productive channels. It is work in progress, and though I have not seen the kind of savings growth I was hoping for, it has been growing better compared to the year before. More gratifying is the notion that I still have plenty of areas to trim and optimize, and I want to keep at it. Surprisingly, it hasn't affected my lifestyle much... another indicator that I have indeed been tackling the 'fluff' in my life throughout this endeavor. I like it!

Physical activities have become a more consistent part of my life too. I've always been active throughout my childhood and education years, even right up to the early days of my career. Somewhere along the line, the frequency or intensity (or both!) tapered off. Strange as it may seem, living a life fueled by an engine running on overdrive (aka high-metabolism) makes it very easy to spot when your body is 'adjusting' to the reduced activity. Age does affect metabolism, hence all the more reason to stay active. The body has a way to remind you in less subtle ways. Reaction time reduces, appetite decreases and even cold tolerance drops. Got me worried when I first noticed it about 2.5 years ago, so I vowed to get active again when I joined my current job.

In many ways, I have kept to that vow, just with a lot more consistency and vigor in the past few months. I do regular workouts at home now. Though not the intense 30-minutes, 3 times a week regime that most people preach, I'm doing the minimum every other day to at least gradually pump up my stamina and more importantly maintain whatever I have gained. Muscle memory is NOT programmed into my genes, so doing simple workouts is just a way to keep the engine running... though I am looking into making this a stricter regime. I sprinkle a dose of badminton, a dash of Ping-Pong, some jogging, and the occasional hikes to top off my activity list. Been working wonders and, as an added bonus, I've also been discovering more places to have simple good times in Malaysia.

Then there's the random stuff. I've actually not been that comfortable with my wardrobe for some time now... yes, my wardrobe! Maybe its the times, or maybe I'm just finally getting comfortable with my physique. I regularly coin the term that I am now at an ideal weight, just a minor issue with the distribution of it =Þ I've been skinny (REAL skinny) my entire life and my frame is still small, though I sure have a lot more substance now than I did 5 years (or more) ago. I look back at myself in years past, and I look at my wardrobe... and I clearly see someone who was taking all the wrong decisions in projecting his self image. Odd to hear someone admit to that? Well, being honest about it has done nothing but help me respect myself that much more.

Which, naturally, brought me to my activity this weekend. I did some much needed cleaning up of the ol' wardrobe. I sifted through ALL my clothes and kept the necessary for now, dumped the useless and packed up the rest for charity. Want to know the results? I trimmed my wardrobe to 1/3rd of what it was! O M G... I either had a lot of junk, or I seriously changed a hell of a lot more than I bargained for, haha.

It also means that I will need to go shopping soon; it has been long overdue... Just in time too as my budget confirms I am ready for it =D First, I need to hunt down a good tailor for making bespoked shirts... Mission begins!

Defining moments

I wonder how often it is that people reflect upon the identity they have today and trace it back to an event, an individual, or a decision made in the fleeting moments of the many yesterdays. Why am I the person I am today? How different a person would I be if some things, big or small, did not happen the way they did? How would a choice I make today set in motion things that will re-define me in the days ahead?

A conversation in the recent past resurfaced memories from a long way back. I can peg those specific memories as defining moments in my life simply by the nature of how vivid they still are, unaltered by the passing years. Everything from where it took place, who were there, what it felt like... and especially how it changed me... changed everything... It is not a conversation I was too fond of reliving, yet I have... and hence this reflection.

Defining moments like those changed me in more ways than one. Perhaps in the way I perceive action and consequences? Perhaps in how I communicate with people? Or even how I learnt to perceive reality as a mass of gray, rarely black and white? Perhaps it is the discovery of the kind of choices I never want to make again? Perhaps it changed how I value my own gains against that of the people around me... the people closest to me? Or the realization of how far I am capable of going... beyond what people think I am capable of? Regardless of how it has changed me, for better or worse, I will forever be shadowed by such moments.

However, of the many lessons learnt, the most significant have rarely been in a positive light. They say 'laughter is the best medicine'... my counter to that is 'guilt is the worse punishment'.

I admitted it was not a conversation I was eager to relive... but in retrospect, I am glad I did, for it was mildly liberating. Felt an itsy-bitsy-bit lighter talking about it, and this spark of reflection makes me want to look at it objectively. I got pleasantly reminded that there were loose ends that are still open to this day... would I want to try tying them up? Am I curious enough... courageous enough... to hear the unspoken stories?

Insidious cancer...

I am really not one to look for faults in people, and it comes naturally to assume the best in people unless proven otherwise. Optimism and positivity have always been a foothold I can rely on to connect with people and to also keep me focused on my goals and aspirations. Failure neither makes me lose faith nor keeps me feeling down for too long. I have always seen it as another stepping stone to improve myself. I am a bad competitor (to some) because I don't project my achievements (or lack of) onto others. Instead, I see 'winning' as a sign to step back and see how to improve upon myself and 'losing' as a moment to reflect on how to not disappoint myself again.

Hence, it strikes me as perplexing that I am quite significantly annoyed by some people I know who seem to be the exact opposite of who I am. Always pessimistic; always complaining about something; always projecting outwards and never to themselves. The worst of it? Doing all this, using and not having the guts to throw accusations and their opinions to me directly. Why does it bother me so? For one simple reason...

Cancer.

The thing about cancer is, it is silent. Cancer comes uninvited, spreads slowly without a care, spreading to areas directly and indirectly associated to the point of origin. By the time you detect the problem, most times the effects are already widespread and the damage is done. You can only contain it, but rarely eliminate it.

Replace 'cancer' in the above statement with the name of any one person you know, and the entire statement will make relative sense in describing a person who is 'cancerous' to the environment they dwell in. I am sad to admit I have met people like that way too many times than I care to admit, and even more agitated to admit I know of one person this very moment.

Having a "what is in it for me" attitude every single moment of his/her existence without even thinking about how much/little the said person is giving back just makes me want to call the person out as hypocritical and full of themselves. It is so easy to complain about someone else when you have never placed yourself in another's shoes. News flash! Life is NOT black and white. Just because YOU think something should be done a certain way, it does not mean you will GET to do it that way. However, who am I to stop you from having an opinion, right?

Likewise, who are you to spread your opinion (bordering at slander) without knowing all the facts. I can accept critical feedback, for at least I have something I can act upon. I can accept critical feedback, for at least I can respect you for having the guts to say it out to my face. What I cannot accept is someone going behind the scenes and shaking the resolve of weaker personalities on the basis of what I can only call as exaggerations and embellished 'truths'. That serpentine attitude does not affect me... but it affects the people around me. A wrong seed planted, is a seed planted nevertheless. It may change people's perception of me, but I am at peace with that for I know I cannot appease everyone. However, people influence the environment in ways we may not be able to anticipate nor control. THAT pisses me off to no end because I cannot forgive people who change the world I tread in to be infused with negativity and pessimism.


I am really not one to look for faults in people, and it comes naturally to assume the best in people unless proven otherwise. I know of one person who has indeed proven it as such.

What scares me the most is that in all my years, I have not felt such animosity to anyone.

One step forward...

And so I did...

Contemplating an action, and executing it are two very different things. Contemplation leads to nothing but worries and endless pondering of the what-ifs and the could-haves. Action... can lead to anything; anticipated or otherwise.

One thing I learnt is that there are a lot more perspectives to an action than we bother considering in the first place. I made an important decision recently, and though the outcome itself has not yet manifested, the impact of the action has not gone unnoticed.

The burden of contemplation is indeed heavy if left unchecked, and I now feel tremendously lighter. The decision I took may not be smartest choice... but a valid choice nonetheless. It may not have been done the best way I could... but I did it the only way I knew how. It may not be a right action to take... but if it were a mistake, it was mine to make.

However, with every action we take, we should expect consequences. I don't know what mine will be. All I can do is take the days ahead one moment at a time. What I do know is this...

... I would do it all over again, if I had to, but I wouldn't do it any other way either. I just feel good to know that I have one less regret.

It is a choice...

Every one of us has gone through our fair share of ups and downs, some more so than others. Most people recover and move on when life beats them down, others don't do so well. I fall amongst those who recovered, but I admit to being occasionally hounded by regrets of the past and the occasional fear from the over-rationalizing 'could be' part of me.

The danger of having that side to our character lies in its ability to make us stagnant, not recovering but not regressing either. Some might even fall into a depression with the right (wrong?) circumstances and triggers, but (thankfully) that is not me :) Which brings me back to the original point of stagnation.

Stagnation calls upon a feeling of not moving forward, not gaining something, not living life to its fullest. There are so many things to do, places to see, people to meet, ideas to develop and curiosities to explore. Why do we so easily tend to succumb to the fears of what-could-be and find difficulty in just doing things and see what actually happens?

Realizing that... what should I do next to break the vicious cycle? I will soon find out :)

Life is like the weather...

...it's getting ridiculously unpredictable.

Relative to the true issues striking humanity in the needier parts of the world, then my life is indeed a marvel of joy and happiness. I am not ignorant, but I can't help evaluating the state of matters against the possibilities available in my immediate environment. I *am* happy, but it can get exhausting at times... mentally at least.

Worse still, it is the kind of exhaustion that sleep doesn't get rid of.

I need an escape experience... camping? Backpacking? Road trip? I'll keep a lookout...

The end that never came

The coming of the apocalypse is a topic no stranger to most. After the (uneventful) passing of the Y2K bug at the turn of the millennium, it didn't take long for modern civilization to latch on to a new doomsday theory. Amongst the many, 2012 was the most famous theory and even then there were countless possible scenarios that could play out the end of days for us.

It is now December 22, 2012; the day after the 'end'. The sun shone this morning brighter than yesterday, and people were about doing their usual Saturday morning affairs. The skies have cleared from the massive downpour of the night before, and were it not for the mud stains on my car, even the rain seemed like a distant memory. If yesterday was meant to remembered in history, personal or otherwise, it definitely had nothing to do with the destruction of civilization as we knew it. Disappointing? Maybe. That on its own would make a topic worthy of the coffee table, so I shall not indulge it further.

All was not lost. Amidst the growing anticipation of believers and non-believers of the end of days, life moved on like the unrelenting flow of time. Matters that I hinged my hopes on came to a surprising fruition, with a dose of events that I deemed absurd or unlikely to ever occur contributing as a balancing factor for the day.

If anything, yesterday was a great day of reflection. It has been a while since I pondered over the value of the simpler things in life, and a much needed jolt restored that perception. As jarring as it may have been, I am glad for every moment that occurred on this day. Even the seemingly bad things in the day had a positive perspective to them if I just took a moment and stepped back.

Bad things happen; that's just as true as saying good things happen. They are both valid events in our lives. Us humans have a tendency to yearn for the good, yet how many among us are really grateful for every moment of good bestowed to us? On the opposite spectrum, we tend to wish away the bad, yet we respond more strongly to such events. How often do we ask the question "What is the upside to this?" when something bad happens? I am in the opinion that it won't always have a reassuring answer, but I also believe it will be positive more times than not if we just spare a moment to reflect.

On this day, I was reminded that when a bad thing happens, it *has* happened. No amount of worrying or cursing will change that fact. The only thing I could do is, take a step forward and live the present with what it has to offer. If the past were to bring more hurdles, leave them to be handled as they come... for at least I now know what will come. Accept the past, live the moment, and embrace the future. I have preached this to myself throughout my years, but having life remind me about their simple truths has humbled me. For that, I am grateful indeed. For the great things that happened on the same day, I acknowledge them and cannot wish for more. I suppose I got what I needed and not necessarily what I wanted. Those too I will accept wholeheartedly as what they were.


Accept the past...
Live the moment...
Embrace the future...

- Me, Dec 22 2012

Insomnia?

It's 3am (almost) and I'm still awake. been a while since I stayed up this late. Hanging out at the local mamak joint until 12:30am does make it entirely my fault why I'm still awake :P

Had a great time catching up and chit-chating with a bunch of close friends... closest I've ever had and probably ever will. As usual, we covered everything from tech to local politics to travel and then some. One recurring theme across several unrelated topics was: too much information does more damage than good. The power of choice is deemed as the greatest gift god gave man, but too much choice can be counter productive. The biggest contributor to overwhelming choices is, indeed, an over-abundance of information.

I totally agree.

Sometimes... it's just better to not know some things. Makes the choices you need to make a lot... simpler. On that note, some people should have just shut-the-hell-up... thing's would've been a lot less complicated.

Miracle of life

It is wonderful news each time we hear about a newcomer into our family. The newest-kid-on-the-block is none other than my cousin sister's newborn from last week. Got to hold him during a visit this past weekend... darn, they're fragile. Hahaha! However, they sure do have the most hypnotizing stare ever, don't they :)

It is no secret that I've always been rather attached to kids. Must be something I inherited from my dad; he absolutely adored children. Yup, lucky me for having a great dad! =D I can't say for sure that I adore them... I just know I get along much better with them than half the adults I meet daily. I am not entirely sure what law of the universe is causing that, though I could try deducing the reasons.

I would lay a wager that it is likely something to do with their innocence. There's no deception or mysterious layers to peel off a kid. True, kids do lie every once in a while, but it is different. There is rarely malice in it... and quite often, you can see the lie a mile away. Hahaha... the wonders of innocence. I guess, for me, having no need to figure out hidden meanings is a breath of fresh air and downright relaxing.

Plus, kids do say and think up wildly unexpected things. It does wonders listening to the stuff they can come up with, given the chance. It is also disappointing that we lose that ability to... think beyond limits (?)... as we grow up.

I guess ultimately, it is nice to witness someone who neither understands nor is burdened by the weights of this world. It is also why it hurts that much more to witness children having to face the stark weight of reality at such an innocent age.

A friend once told me that a pet dog is like a child... albeit a child that never grows up. Maybe that's why the next best thing I look forward to doing while at a family gathering is to play with the house pets, haha. The simple joys of life.

Human limits

How selfish are we capable of? i ponder upon this as I just had the most selfish thought I've ever had cross my mind.

Left me in a momentary conflict of guilt and hope. Guilt won, but does it make me a lesser person for having the thought in the first place?

The way things are...

... seems rather good.

I'm truly enjoying my new job. What I do; the people I work with; the culture... It's not the best paying job in the world, but job satisfaction is right up there with work-life-balance now :) Indeed, it has been some time since I can openly admit that I enjoy what I do for a living.

Sports are back in my life now. Basketball is now a weekly affair, and badminton looks to be joining it too. Next in line would be to either resume jogging or enroll in the gym near my office. Plenty of colleagues go there, so company is not an issue. Guess I'll have to wait and see.

I also have more time now to meet with friends, and the closest friends are easier to be in touch with now than a few years ago. It's a sweet coincidence, and am taking full advantage of it :D There are a few close friends that are kind of geograhically separated, but life takes us places... and there's always Facebook and Whatsapp for that, haha.

Meeting a lot of new people through work, sports and Toastmasters activities. Indeed, things are looking up :)

Right?

Untitled

*Blip*

I shouldn't, but I am...
I need to, but I can't...
I could, but I don't...

I guess Citibank was right. Some things are priceless.

*Blip*

I never thought…

… I could be so ‘chillaxed’ about my appraisal this year

… I was capable of impulse-upgrading my PC… just because I could. Haha… yes, you can slap me now =P

 

… I could be so very infuriated with Maxis… as I am this very moment.

Black, white or gray?

Every once in a while, we’re bound to hear people quoting fate for just about anything. Wealth status, relationship, bad luck, good luck, promotions, etc. Just as there are people who fall back on fate, there are equally people who don’t believe in it.

I’ll be honest; I’m the latter.

 

Status quo

Everybody seems to be on Facebook today. Frankly speaking, though, I am a tech-guy who doesn’t fancy Facebook or any social websites. Sure, it’s nice to have a one-stop place to check-up on my friends’ updates, but I’m personally not inclined to share so much online.

I’m pondering this over a recent comment an acquaintance made. We were on a trip together and everyone was taking photos. At one point, the said acquaintance commented that I should post up the photos to Facebook. I simply acknowledged that I won’t be doing so. Surprisingly, I got a snide remark (in a language not of my own, in fact!) that I was tarik-ing harga! WTF!? (Excuse the language)

Sure, many people leverage the album functionality in Facebook. However, does it warrant a NEED to use it just because most people use it? Everyone have their own personal preferences and this is no different. It is not so much about hiding something (seriously… trip photos… what’s there to hide) as opposed to just keeping things out of the public eye for the simple sake of privacy. If it suits one’s fancy, one can just go to any forum and post their entire life album for all I care. But would you?

I guess the simple truth is, just because one can do something it doesn’t mean one should. So don’t rub your snide remarks on me when you can’t even understand that. Even if you do rub ‘em in, at least have the guts to do it in-my-face in a language I can understand so that I can at least respect you for sharing your opinion.

Random bites

Personality tests have always sparked some intrigue within me since forever. My curiosity is primarily piqued in observing how it has changed over the course of my lifetime. True enough, subtle changes do (and have) occurred over the years. The most observable and astonishing fact I discovered is my transition between the two poles of extravert vs introvert. I remember back in school I used to be more of an extravert; and the shift to being an introvert has been gradual and constant. During a team building training last week, I discovered that at present I’m bordering at fine balance of both. Good or bad? Neither is bad, that’s for sure, but is the personality shift itself detrimental in any way?

On another note, I’ve been digging all the news about the new Microsoft Windows Phone 7 launch. Looks mighty sweet I must say, but the 1st gen hardware may not showcase the potential of the platform. I’ve been itching for a phone replacement; finally hit a stage where my humble Sony Ericsson just doesn’t cut it with regards to schedule management… but I’ve always hated the previous gen Windows Mobiles, can’t buy into the hype of the Apples, and sure as hell don’t intend to get mixed up in the whole fragmentation of Androids (which reminds me too much of WinMo). I suppose I’ll need to wait it out a little longer before I decide on anything.

Any fans of The Script? I got a bite of their latest album “Science and Faith”. Loving it so far… in more ways than just enjoying the music :)

Invasion of spam

I’m noticing that spam bots have started assaulting my cbox panel. Been trying to get the captcha feature working, but it doesn’t seem to function even though I’ve enabled it. Weird…

On another note, I wonder what motivates people to actually spam. I mean, do people *actually* click on them? I know I don’t… but considering it’s prolific, I can only assume that there are an insanely large number of idiots out there who actually click them…