Defining moments

I wonder how often it is that people reflect upon the identity they have today and trace it back to an event, an individual, or a decision made in the fleeting moments of the many yesterdays. Why am I the person I am today? How different a person would I be if some things, big or small, did not happen the way they did? How would a choice I make today set in motion things that will re-define me in the days ahead?

A conversation in the recent past resurfaced memories from a long way back. I can peg those specific memories as defining moments in my life simply by the nature of how vivid they still are, unaltered by the passing years. Everything from where it took place, who were there, what it felt like... and especially how it changed me... changed everything... It is not a conversation I was too fond of reliving, yet I have... and hence this reflection.

Defining moments like those changed me in more ways than one. Perhaps in the way I perceive action and consequences? Perhaps in how I communicate with people? Or even how I learnt to perceive reality as a mass of gray, rarely black and white? Perhaps it is the discovery of the kind of choices I never want to make again? Perhaps it changed how I value my own gains against that of the people around me... the people closest to me? Or the realization of how far I am capable of going... beyond what people think I am capable of? Regardless of how it has changed me, for better or worse, I will forever be shadowed by such moments.

However, of the many lessons learnt, the most significant have rarely been in a positive light. They say 'laughter is the best medicine'... my counter to that is 'guilt is the worse punishment'.

I admitted it was not a conversation I was eager to relive... but in retrospect, I am glad I did, for it was mildly liberating. Felt an itsy-bitsy-bit lighter talking about it, and this spark of reflection makes me want to look at it objectively. I got pleasantly reminded that there were loose ends that are still open to this day... would I want to try tying them up? Am I curious enough... courageous enough... to hear the unspoken stories?