Pattern grows... two-fold!

The previous post was about being 1-month overdue. And guess how long this post is overdue? 2-months! See a pattern, yet? Hope it doesn't stay a pattern. Been reading a lot of blogs lately, so it struck me odd that I wasn't really getting motivated to post even after all the self-expressionism that's flourishing out there in the World 'Wild' Web :P Guess that thinking about how unmotivated I've been kind of motivated me to drop a note here. Probably will turn out lengthier than usual... coz it's a Saturday noon, I'm dead bored, and there's this huge mess in my head.

2-months is a long time indeed. Heck, I've given up posting photos of my Langkawi trip. Odd thing is, I have them edited and ready to be uploaded... just not so keen on writing *about* the photos. Why? I have no idea. I'm as dumbfounded as anyone else who's actually even looking forward to the update... which actually might be no one at all *shock*. Its ok. I think I'm my personal greatest fan to my blog :P

Works been hell lately. What else is new, right? Not that there's lots to do... just that taking lead of an actual team of developers who are fresh as fresh can be gives me the chills. I'm not really worried about the members... introspectively I'm actually not confident 'bout my ability to lead. Funny that I hit this kind of wall, coz I've always been forward and confident in much of what I've done. It's all probably nothing and temporary anyway... could all just be nervousness with trying to cope with the entire software process that we implement in the company. As a normal member, much of the overhead of the process is transparent, so it doesn't bother you. Sure, everyone went through the training and deployment of process updates, but whomever claims rights to the term 'easier said than done' is a genius. I'm appeasing myself by telling me that this is gonna be like the incident a long, long time ago in my childhood where I leapt from the 1st floor of a house under-construction. For a 11-year old, that was mighty scary. The stuff going in your head at that moment:
Can I make it? What if I break my leg? Hell, what if I pee'd in my pant before I even leapt? My friends will NOT forget that one for ETERNITY!

That's the thing bout childhood innocence. Even with all these questions, we seem to go the Nike way~; Just Do It. And yes, I took the leap... landed on a pile of sand, shocked but unscathed. Then the excitement kicked in and it became a regular activity over the next few weeks. *sigh* The good old days.

So now I'm thinking, maybe this whole nervousness and lack of confidence is akin to that moment before the leap. Unsure. Fear of the next moment. All I need to keep telling myself is to make the jump, cause the feeling at the end of it will be worth every moment.

Well, that's work life for me.

Then there's life. Not much of it I must admit. Haven't been socializing much over the past month. I'm lucky I'm even set for a movie outing tomorrow. Major catching up to do; and no I don't mean catching up to the latest movies (though that should be in my list, too). Catching up with frens I've lost touch.

The saddest truth about my current state of life is the lack of social contact. Excusing colleagues, I don't see close friends as frequent anymore. Some say it is part and parcel of working life, but I think it is something very much in our control to avoid. I haven't even gotten to the part about MAKING new friends. I haven't met a new social contact in ages. Long term contacts. Interesting people. Interesting girls!

On that last note, many a colleague have been rubbing it in lately. I know it's easy for them to say it... but reality to me is, 'it's not that simple'. Wish I could beat that fact right into their heads. Its not like I don't want to be in a relationship, but it's also not like I *have* to be in a relationship at this point of time. If opportunity permits, I'll meet interesting individuals. If its worth the try, I'll make my moves. But it's still my choice to make. The same way about how people react when the topic of going after someone already attached. People treat it as a taboo. Always strikes me as odd. I'm not against the idea, nor am I all for it. Its a matter of conscience and value, not virtue. If you think someone deserves more than what they have, and you're sure you can be that person... why not, right? Just as much as it is our choice on whether to make a move on anyone, it is our choice to consider other ppl's moves on us. In that respect it is pretty similar to be on both sides of the argument. At the end of the day, it is the same question: Is it worth the trouble right now? Going after someone, being someone's interest, or being stuck in the middle of a complicated situation... it all boils down to value of outcome. Do you think it is worth risking your current position for something whose outcome can be gratifying, or equally, disappointing? Choice... our greatest, yet dangerous, ability. So do I think I want to be in a relationship now? No... for the simple reason that I don't know anyone to take that step for, yet.

With that out of the way... what's next? I'm thinking... travel.

I NEED to expand my horizons, literally. I need to go travelling. I need to get my passport stamped. I need to get away from the mundane 'normality' of Klang Valley life. I need to do something different. I need to have some new fun. That kind of sums it all up. Am actively looking into intereting, value-for-money spots to go to. Would love to hear suggestions, but based on the state of thi blog lately, I doubt I'm gonna get any =Þ Here goes to hoping *pray*.

God... it has been an hour. Time for lunch. Over and out~